Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
