Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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