you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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