Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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