Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
