Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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