Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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