I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
