there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
