i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
