Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
