I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
