No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
