I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
