Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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