Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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