Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
