first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
