i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
