Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
