i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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