Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
