Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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