Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
