So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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