if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
