Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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