After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
