Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
did i just pee glitter
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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