Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
