life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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