you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
