I skipped work to stalk him.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
