Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were trust falling into bushes
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
