Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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