I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think i have two assholes
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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