Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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