Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i drank out of a bidet.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
