I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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