i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
