you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
