Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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