Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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