I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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