party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
