U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
