i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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