I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
