My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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