I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
