i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
