The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
