just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
